


cannot fix this broken machine

by xnowimnothing



Category: Marilyn Manson (Band), Nine Inch Nails (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 00:30:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17694149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xnowimnothing/pseuds/xnowimnothing
Summary: The first and the last time Trent and Brian kissed.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> From a tumblr prompt:   
> Promt for sad/angsty fics: Take your favorite couple and write one (or more) one-shot(s) describing “the first time and the last time” they did something together. Might contain:
> 
> \- the first and the last time they saw each other  
> \- the first and the last time they kissed  
> \- the first and the last word they said to each other

Trent and Brian’s first kiss was a side effect of cocaine.

Trent didn’t really feel like partying, that night. His plan was: have a beer or two, find his dose, hide in the restroom, disappear. Other people… so _many_ other people around him, noisy, the party-animal type, stressed him. Trent was stressed out. Sometimes he could handle anxiety, keep it under control by breathing. Not that night. He could feel it. He decided to come just so he could get drugs.

It didn’t take too long to find it. Thank goodness. The pub’s darkness and the strobe lights were already excessively stimulating his nervous system, the music was alienating him, he felt he was losing control. The walls seemed to be closing down on him.

Not that night. His mental health could not resist much longer.

He ran to the restroom. The little bag was in his pants pocket, his hand on it to cover it up, to keep it safe. He sighed. The restroom was lit. Most importantly, nobody was there.  

Trent noticed he was running out of breath.

He looked at himself in the mirror, put his hands on the sink, leaning out toward his reflection. His eyes were dark, he noted, a green he didn’t seem to recognize.

He pulled the drug out of his pants and lay it in two lines. His heart beat fast in his chest, anticipation making his hands tremble. Soon he would feel that sensation, the only sensation that could make him feel good; he’d thought about all day long, he’d been waiting for this moment.

The feeling of euphoria didn’t take long to manifest itself. Trent lifted his head, closed his eyes, and for a moment he thought he could even go back in the club and start dancing. But this thought soon left his mind: this moment was his and only his, and he would enjoy it to the fullest.

The bathroom door opened short, but Trent barely noticed it. He didn’t even turn to see who it was. Heavy steps, probably due to those huge high platform boots that everyone in Manson’s band usually wore, were getting closer and closer, until Trent recognized the face reflected next to his in the mirror.

“Having fun?” Brian smiled, he knew everything.

Trent smiled back. “Now, yes”.

Brian handed him the can of beer he held in his hand, winked when Trent took it. He looked amused. Actually, he looked like someone who knew was about to have fun very soon. Trent was under the impression that he wasn’t in that restroom with him by chance. He took a sip of his beer, played along.

“What’s on your mind, Warner?”                                                                                 

Brian bursted into laughter. Trent was puzzled for a second, but then realized that the quantity of substances Brian was under must’ve been huge. “Dude, you’re high as fuck”.

“Uh-uh,” Brian looked him in the eyes, that white contact lense still disturbing after all that time. “Don’t try me, Reznor.”

And yet Trent really, really felt like daring.

“Why not?”

Brian laughed, not like before; he was laughing at Trent’s naivety, it seemed. Sadistic.

“’Cause right about now I could throw you against the wall and shove my tongue inside your troath… and my hand in your pants.”

Trent’s guts moved uncomfortably but pleasantly inside his body. And in the meantime Brian was coming closer; he was getting _very_ close.

He’d already placed his hand on Trent’s hip when Trent answered. “Maybe I’m into that.” He raised an eyebrow defiantly, carnal in his intentions. He knew Brian enough to know he couldn’t resist to such a defiance. He smiled to himself when he heard a growl coming from Brian’s troath.

“Bratty out of the studio as well I see, mmh?” Brian’s voice was a mere whisper now, being that close to Trent’s face; he brought an hand to his mouth, put his thumb on Trent’s lower lip, stroking it tenderly. Trent gazed into his eyes when he took the entire finger in his mouth and started sucking. Brian was curious, seduced, as he looked at the scene.

“Even worse, if given the chance”, he said when he was finished, before Brian grabbed him and threw him against the wall near the sink.

He kissed him wasting no time. Brian tasted like alcohol and something else, and Trent was feeling hot. His arms were wrapped around Brian’s neck, bodies extremely and dangerously close, tight against each other. Trent saw stars, he couldn’t help but moan in Brian’s mouth. Brian was clearly amused (and turned on) by this little show Trent was putting on; he started biting at his lip, and Trent loved the stinging pain that followed. His face twisted in pleasure. Brian deatched for a brief moment, barely laughed.

“I knew you were a slut,” he said, kissing his lips and Cupid’s bow. “But not this much.”

“I’m not done surprising you,” said Trent. “But now kiss me again.”


	2. Chapter 2

Trent and Brian’s last kiss was a side effect of rage.

They didn’t talk for months. Brian had tried to call him, but Trent never picked up the phone. That night, though, Trent found him at his door. His heart fell to the ground.

Undoubtedly, they slept together. They didn’t exchange a lot of words. Trent didn’t think he had much to say, anyway.

“Why were you avoiding me?”

Trent knew this question would come, but he never thought of an answer. He lowered his eyes, gaze fixated on the hem of the sheet between his fingers.

“Trent?”

He turned over in the bed, his head leaving Brian’s chest, back facing him. His eyes had started burning, he didn’t want Brian to see him in a vulnerable state. Fuck, he hated looking vulnerable. Especially to Brian.

He didn’t know what to say.

“If you don’t feel like telling me what’s wrong, it’s fine. I just wish we hung out more,” Brian’s voice was calm and flat. Trent wished it was angry. He didn’t make it any easier for him; he couldn’t get defensive.

“No,” he said. He felt the bed move under Brian’s weight as he sat up, back against the headboard. Brian sighed.

“I could help you.”

“Don’t need it,” Trent’s voice came out more peremptory than he’d intended, and he felt guilty for a moment. Brian didn’t dare touch him, because Trent had always been an intense person. Trent didn’t think it could scare him, it never did; but who could tell, at this point. “I shouldn’t have let you in my house earlier.”

“Why?”

“Too many questions. Too many demands, even,” Trent moved to lay on his back, looking at the ceiling. Eyelids a little heavy, a huge weight on his chest he hoped would go away soon was tormenting him.

When Brian spoke, Trent closed his eyes, as if he was trying to endure a stab in silence. He barely frowned.  

“I wanted to make things right,” he told him, still calm.

The weight on Trent’s chest sank a little more.

“Don’t even go there, Brian. It isn’t worth it.”

“It is, for me.”

Trent glared at him, but Brian didn’t back down.

“I’m worried, ‘cause I know you’re not okay. I haven’t heard from you in ages. I miss you. We fucked around together every single day,” his voice grew feeble. “From everything to nothing.”

Trent got up, dressed himself.

“I don’t want to lose you, Trent, okay? And all this loneliness isn’t good for you, either.”

Trent was about to tie his shoelaces, but stopped when he heard these words. “I’m not lonely.”

“Oh, yes you are. I know you, I know you isolate yourself when things get ugly for you. You kick everyone out of you life…”

“I, I don’t… Brian, you’re –”

“Why do you do that? To end up alone for real, so you have a valid reason to feel sorry for yourself?”

The weight on Trent’s chest moved down to his stomach.

Trent materialized in front of Brian, ready to punch him in the face, but he stopped mid air when Brian lifted a hand to cover his face reflexively. This, however, didn’t make him give up.

“Everything’s always about you. Everything has _always_ been about you. When will you realize you need others in order to survive, Trent?”

Every muscle in Trent’s body was tense, eyes wide, nostrils flared, teeth clenched. His body temperature was high. He felt like he was about to implode.

“Drugs won’t anesthetize you forever,” Brian added, getting out of the bed.

“You’re the one to talk! You use more than I do!”

“Maybe so. That’s why you should listen to me,” Brian was putting his clothes on slowly, keeping a calm Trent hated so much. Why didn’t he get angry? Why didn’t he just leave him alone?

“I know you’re afraid –”

“Stop.”

“- but you don’t have to self-sabotage. You can’t face it on your own.”

Then Trent let out an inhuman scream. Brian stopped talking.

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! Out!” Trent pushed him back, hitting him on his shoulder. Brian stepped back, gave a hint of a smile.

“Is it the end?”

“It is. It’s the end.” Trent’s breath was short.

“Alright,” was all Brian said. Then he took Trent by the back of his neck, brought his face against his own and kissed him, not giving Trent the chance to understand what was happening. He didn’t pull back; actually, he kissed back, and he did so in quite a desperate way. He didn’t know why he was doing it, nor he knew what Brian’s action meant, but now, he didn’t want to think about it. He couldn’t.

Brian broke the kiss, got out of the door without even looking at him.

Trent’s heart broke in a million pieces.

**Author's Note:**

> title from NIN's "gave up"


End file.
